Is This Mid-Life Crisis?

Have you ever thought that how your life would be going if you had chosen your life differently?

Here I am, being overthinking with all had happening in my life, especially when I got married. I don't intend complaining about my marriage or maybe my spouse. I always think that I have the best partner for the rest of my life. Is it?

This thought came since I ever asked my partner, "Are you happy in this marriage?"

He said, "In our religion as a Muslim, the happiness is forbidden in this world. I mean, have you ever heard the verse in the Quran about the purpose that we seek in this world is the happiness? The happiness only exists in the hereafter."

Meanwhile, at that time I expected that he would have simple answered. I didn't expect his answered was complicated. I respond to his answered, "Waw, I didn't expect that kind of complicated answer. As for me, I am happy. Of course, I am not always happy with my life, but at least when I see my children, I am happy. Furthermore, when their development stage is following their milestone. Or something happened, I was happy. Right now, talking to you is also making me happy."

He responded, "I got married because I am ready. At that time, I was ready to set aside my ego, even now. That is marriage for me."

Wow. It got me flashback when I really wanted to get married. I just thought that I wanted to be married because taking care of myself is very easy. I can do anything what I want. I can be anything. Is it?

It makes me think, If I had still single, I would have achieved everything. Maybe I would have ton of money, would have traveled around the world, would have top of my career, everything. That also happen to your spouse if they are still single. Is that make a person happy? I don't know. Maybe I would. I really know myself very well. I am a simple person, present person. Happy or sad depending on the present situation.

I never have planned my future; I just choose whatever opportunities lies in front of me. I just want to live comfortably and happy here and hereafter. is that possible? I don't know, but I think it works for me up until now. I am enjoying my life.

Compared to my partner where He thinks that he always set aside his ego since He was married, in the first place I never think like that. But now, it has affected me now, I also make me think like that. No matter how smart, organized, visioner, or synergized both of you, the reality depends in Alloh SWT.

I think the marriage consultant that advice you to do this, do that, the wife must like this, the husband must like that, could harm your marriage if you are not sorting out their suggestions in order to fit our conditions. As referring to my religion, for the husband's responsibilities is only trying to meet the needs of his wife and children wholeheartedly, as for the wife's responsibilities is always trying to accept sincerely the husband's efforts. I think that is a win-win solution.

You don't have to argue about the one who should be responsible for the financial support. 

You don't have to argue about the one who should be responsible for taking care of the children.

You don't have to argue about the one who should be responsible for taking care of domestic work.

You don't have to argue about your emotional and physical needs are met by your partner or not.

But one thing that still disturb me, what is the purpose of the marriage? is it only focus for your children? Because all this time, maybe since I have children, I have been busy taking care of my children, a little bit to my partner, and we don't have the urgency to focus ourselves taking care of our relationship.

When my partner said that when we are reaching our age like this, we don't need the quality time for both of us, also affected me that I also don't need that kind of time. We don't think that is our urgency.

When my partner said that when we are reaching our age like this, we don't need that kind of quality conversation for both of us. Is it?

Is this the marriage's purpose? Only taking care our children?

When I do the flashback, all I have been doing is taking care of myself alone, taking care of my children, and taking care of my partner. When I got sick or not, I took care myself. I solved my work's problem alone. I took care of house cores alone. Supporting each other only in financial problem and our children. (Of course, with the help of other people regarding my house cores, children, and work) Is this ok? I don't know. Everything seems fine for me. Even though when we had our argument, I set aside my ego, apologizing first, and got to doctrine myself to be more patient, to be motherly. And here we go, I always trying to be better every time, always feel that I am not good enough. I don't know. But, I feel fine because I am happy to see my children happy, doing my best for my children, my work, and my school.

But, when my friends or the elders give me the advice to take care of my spouse better, my mind goes, "Why? I have been good taking care my spouse. Always prepares the food (even though I just got food online), remind him to eat, taking care of his health, taking care when he got sick, giving him the alone time, never complain. Feel worries about his health, about his burden, about his works. What should I do more?"

When my friends or elders give me the advice to take care of my children better, I would gladly accept it. Because parent is responsible for their children, and I feel like I am not giving my full yet. But, what about spouse? Is he done the same? Is he worries me? I don't care anymore as long I already do what I have to do. As long my children are happy, feel the love from their parent. But don't you dare say that I am not responsible wife or mother, or I am not a grateful person or impatient one. Because all I do is taking care of other people while taking care of myself alone. Don't you dare to feel not grateful for what I did.

Is this the kind of marriage's purpose? Maybe.